Claudette's Blog

MILLIONS!!!

That's right. There are over 1300 new stepfamilies being created daily (just do the math). And it's not just when you get married that you become a stepparent. Steprelationships start when you are seriously involve with your partner and started to include the children, whether you are married, living together or seriously dating one another.

There are many stepmoms in the media as well as in our day to day lives. The good thing about all of this is that they look nothing like Julie Andrews from the Sound of Music or Carol from the Brady Bunch.

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I'm sure there are days when you are wondering if your stepfamily life is normal, or if it will ever get better.

You might even feel overwhelmed, depressed, stressed, angry, and even frustrated that things are not working out the way you thought they would.

And then, you might even be asking yourself why is this taking so long to feel like a family.

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I always say that parenting is a life long commitment. It never ends. I have a 26 year old son and two stepdaughters, 26 and 27 and let me tell you that I fell very much their parent now as I did when they were tiny.

Of course, it's very different today, because I don't tell them what to do (well, sort of ;0) ) but I am there to listen to them and talk about issues they go through as they now are married and are/becoming parents.

This is the same for divorced parents. Although you may not be married to your ex-spouse, both of you have a responsibility towards your children. So where does that leave me, as a stepmom? The same place I've always been, an additional parent to my stepdaughters when they need support or someone to listen to them.

Co-parenting isn't just for little kids or teens, but for "children" of all ages, even when they leave the house and have kids of their own. Being a co-parent means that wanting to prove yourself right or better than the other parent is not part of the curriculum. It means that all adults involved in the lives of their kids do what they consider is best for everyone involved.

It requires a lot of self reflection, awareness of what is going on, and openness to alternative ways of interacting.
If you didn't get a chance to listen to an interview call with me on Sunday, February 28, 2010, then I invite you to visit the Co-Parenting Matters or you can listen to the interview call here!

If you can't see Audio Player, you might need Flash. You can download it here

Let me know what you think or share your comments with us.

Valentine's Day is now so commercialized that it's becoming almost anticlimactic. In the 20 years I've been with my husband, we've gone from going out to very expensive restaurants, to giving each other big Valentine cards and candy to now focusing on what we really care and love about each other.

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Who am I in this family? Am I the mother, the friend, the aunt, the babysitter, the maid, the taxi driver, the whatever? What is it that I am really suppose to be doing in this family? Am I suppose to be involved or just watch? Do I say something or not?

As stepparents, we really don't have clear role models as to what we are suppose to do. What little models that we do have are based on media and those are not very realistic or helpful.

Recently, I was interviewed by Jacquelyne Fletcher, author of " The Career Girl's Guide to Becoming a Stepmom" where we discussed role ambiguity in stepfamilies. This is probably one of the most difficult issues new stepmoms (and stepdads) face because we have no positive role models to follow.

Click here to listen what I had to share with Jacquelyne on the subject and see if this can be of help to you.

I'd love to hear your comments on this and let me know how you view yourself in your stepfamily and how it's working.

Have you ever experienced someone taking the time to acknowledge just how you felt? How did it feel when someone was genuinely concerned about what you were going through?

• Did you feel understood?
• Loved?
• Cared for?
• Did you feel as if you mattered?

These are just a few of the things that we feel when someone takes the time to acknowledge our feelings. What better way to build and strengthen your relationships with your spouse, your kids, other family members and friends.

No one likes to be told what to do. Unsolicited advice is never welcomed and often, that’s not what people are looking for. What they want is an empathetic ear, so that they can filter through their own emotions, have a sounding board to help them decipher all that noise that is going on in their heads.

We all yearn to be understood, to be valued, to be heard. One of the most appreciated gifts people love to have, especially women, is knowing that someone is listening to them and that they are being heard and validated.

With Valentine’s Day coming up, what better gift to give than that of truly being there for the other person, of being attentive to what they are saying and being genuinely concerned about what is going on for them.

Try it and see what happens!

Have you read my special report on “Top Secrets of Highly Effective Family Communicators"? Get you very own copy here at www.coachingsteps.com. Plus, you’ll receive more tips just like these every week. The only way to improve on your relationship is by taking action now! What are you waiting for?

I'm sitting in my wonderful kitchen, which overlooks our backyard forest. The sun is shining on our snow-covered yard and that warms my heart. I love the first snow of the year (and this will probably be the only one, considering we live in VA). Everything look so pure and clean, so simple. It's very serene and peaceful.

Yesterday, I had the privilege to have my granddaughter and her brother spend the afternoon with us. I say her brother because he has a different dad that she does (who is my son) but he doesn't care because he calls us "Grand-mere" and "Papa" the names the kids call us by. We love these kids very much and welcome this little brother of our granddaughter with open arms.

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I watched the Dr. Phil show yesterday and although I didn't get the title of the show, I was glad to see two different scenarios in stepfamily dynamics. Not everyone will become buddy-buddy with their husband's ex but we really don't need to be the enemy either. We don’t have enough shows helping stepfamilies setting new standards of conduct. We are still trapped in the old ways of doing things when it comes to families. We believe that the way it’s always been in creating families is the right way.

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